Can you see the real me?

So here I am again. Same old, same old. Filled with self-doubt, wondering what direction I should take. Trying to make any decision whatsoever about what direction my life will go in, personally, financially, academically, career-wise, everything. It's been about 3 years since I graduated from college, and for that time I feel like I've been living on hold. I haven't moved forward, nor backward. I've just been running through the motions, living day-to-day and ignoring (or rather, hiding from) the big picture. I'm terrified of the future because I don't know what form it will take. I don't know where I'll be, what I'll be doing, who will be there with me. To me, uncertainty is the most maddening thing I can think of and that's because you have no possible way to control it. As I've said before I feel frozen, not being able to move forward because I'm terrified I'll make the wrong decision, terrified that I'll fail at something. I'm trying to work through these problems, and friends both new and old have been helping, but it ultimately comes down to me. I have to take control. I have to live my life, not just be a spectator to it. It's not easy to go froward, but going backward is not an option. I've got to figure out what I'm passionate about, what makes me tick, and what's going to make me want to get up in the morning 20 years down the road. Again, I know I'm the only person who can decide this. It's up to me to set a course for the future, one that isn't in some nebulous gray area. I've got to find happiness, in whatever form that takes.

The title comes from the song The Real Me by The Who from their album Quadrophenia. The album is one I really identify with because the main character is a young man who isn't necessarily sure who he is or what he wants to do. In The Real Me he goes around to different people (a psychiatrist, his mother, a former romantic interest, and a preacher) asking them if they see the real him. They apparently don't. He doesn't get any really clarity of who he is until the last song when in the middle of a storm at sea he has an epiphany: through this search he's grown and become what he was looking for; he was himself all along. Hopefully I'll have a similar epiphany, when the time is right, and when I've grown up.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7dlN55SoF4Q

I went back to the doctor
To get another shrink
I sit and tell him about my weekend
But he never betrays what he thinks

Can you see the real me doctor, doctor
Can you see the real me doctor, whoa doctor

I went back to my mother
I said, "I'm crazy, ma, help me"
She said, "I know how it feels son
'Cause it runs in the family"

Can you see the real me, mother, mother
Can you see the real me, mother, ooh mother
Can you see, can you see, can you see the real me
Can you see, can you see the real me, the real me, the real me

The cracks between the paving stones
Look like rivers of flowing veins
Strange people who know me
Peeping from behind every window pane

The girl I used to love
Lives in this yellow house
Yesterday she passed me by
She doesn't want to know me now

Can you see the real me, can you, can you
Can you see the real me, can you, whoa yeah

I ended up with a preacher
Full of lies and hate
I seemed to scare him a little
So he showed me to the golden gate

Can you see the real me preacher, preacher
Can you see the real me preacher
Can you see, can you see, can you see, oh
Can you see the real me doctor
Can you see the real me mother 

Can you see the real me me me me me me me me me me me      

Froyo so far

Most of you out there won't care about this but for those of you with Android phones I wanted to give my first impression of Froyo (Android 2.2) so far. The main feature that was touted (at least in the news sources I was reading) was the speed improvement. I can say that this is definitely true. I notice things going faster, apps opening faster, scrolling happens faster, etc. It's not mind-blowingly faster but I do notice a pronounced difference. Then there's the Flash 10.1 support (or lack thereof). Android 2.2 does come with Flash support, however you can't actually download it from the market which will probably have a lot of people confused. I know I was at first. Then I remembered a post from a few weeks ago on droid-life.com (probably the best Droid-specific site out there) that there was a developer's release you could download. So I did that and presto-chango, I had Flash on my phone. It is a neat feature but not one I'll probably use all that often. It's just nice that I have the option to use it (Steve Jobs would not approve). Chrome-to-phone is another neat feature. If you have the app installed on your phone and the extension installed on the Google Chrome browser you can send webpages or maps straight to your phone and the corresponding app will open. Good idea if you're looking up directions on your computer right before you need to leave. There are little UI tweaks here and there but for the most part everything looks the same. I did notice that Arabic charcters display properly now. This means that even though I have no idea what they mean, I can see the title's of Olivia's photo albums on Facebook on my phone now. Another feature I haven't really messed with is the app-to-sd where you can install and/or move apps to the SD card rather than having everything installed on the onboard memory, hogging the little space there is to begin with. Those are my thoughts so far. Supposedly there's another update coming in the very near future to possibly fix some bugs already but everything's only a rumor at this point. As I said earlier, droid-life.com is an amazing resource for anyone who has a phone in the Droid family. Over and out.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.4.9

My Wake-up Call

Do you ever have one of this epiphanies where something seemingly heavy (not weight-wise) but painfully obvious gets dropped on you? I had one of those moments. I realized it's time for me to grow up. Maybe most people realize this earlier in their lives or maybe this is normal, I don't know. I only have my own experiences to go off of. But I now understand that I need to be better prepared to deal with the future and that means it's time to make more responsible choices and get myself into a better position to do the things I want in life.

Not that I'm a particularly irresponsible person. I just have to better prepare myself for what I can do in the future. I need to believe in myself. I know a lot of people do and that's comforting to a certain extent, but that only goes so far. If I don't believe in myself and my capabilities, I'm not going to get anywhere. For a long time I've been crippled by self-doubt. I think it started when I graduated from college. When you start school in kindergarten you have a clear path. Go grade by grade until your senior year and then you graduate. Then you either find a job, join the armed forces or go to college. Many people end up going to college because anymore that's what is expected of you, even if you have no desire. Now I'm not one of those people, I did very much want to go to college; but I think that there are people who don't want to go and do anyway because of societal norms. These people don't belong in college and that's not because they're not smart enough, but it's because they don't want to be there. It's going to be a waste of time for them because even if they are capable, they won't gain much from it if their heart's not in it. That's mostly a tangent and doesn't have a lot of bearing on what I'm writing about but I thought I would put in my $0.02. I went through college, chose a major, changed things around, added another major and then BAM, I graduated. Had I thought about the practical applications of my major(s)? Only very little. This was my fault entirely, my professors had given me ample opportunities to explore the options for the future but I had never really been sure that archaeology/classical studies was what I wanted to do. I in no way regret the work I did in college. I enjoyed all of my classes and professors very much and I learned a lot. But I had no clear career path.

So here I am after graduation and I have nothing lined up. Up until that point my entire life had been one long string of events all connected together, one stage following the next in a logical progression. I always knew what was going to happen next. Now that progression had been broken. And that's when I lost confidence in myself. What do I do now? I've always known what was next before, but now everything's hazy? What am I supposed to do? I began to second guess what I was capable of, what I could be good at, what I should be doing. When you're not sure what your direction in life is it's a very unnerving depressing thing. In the movie Unbreakable Samuel L. Jackson's character tells Bruce Willis: "Do you know what the scariest thing is? To not know your place in this world, to not know why you're here." My sentiments exactly. Of course, Sammy L. (as my good friend Evan likes to call him) goes on to explain that he basically became a super-villain and committed quite a few terrorist acts to draw out someone who was his opposite so he would know who he was. I don't think I'm really the type to go Lex Luthor so no one reading this needs to worry that I'll come up with a secret lab somewhere in which I come up with dastardly deeds against humanity. Besides, I'm not very good at building giant robots or chemistry so my career in super-villainy is very limited. But in all seriousness, when you don't really know what your purpose is it's a scary thing.

My response has been less than admirable and very counter-productive. I've basically shut down. I doubt myself so much that I don't want to try anything new. I don't want to change anything because the evil (or stagnation, in this case) that you know is better than the evil that you don't know. When I look back over the way I've been it's pathetic, really. But I've never bothered to change. I've let down people that I love and I've just not been myself for a long time. But that's going to change. I'm tired of making excuses. I'm tired of wallowing in self-doubt and self-pity. I'm tired of not feeling like myself. I'm tired of not knowing. I'm not getting any younger so it's now or never. I've got more than myself to think about. This is it, this is when I've got to separate who I've been from who I can be. To the people I care about who've never left, thanks for sticking around. I love you all and thanks for doing the same.

My favorite song for a while now has been Baba O'Riley by the greatest band to ever play music, The Who. After listening to it time and time again I realized the third verse is very pertinent to what I'm trying to get across. I take it to mean the narrator is leaving behind the things he's comfortable with in order to move on to better things before it's too late. I don't know if that's what Pete Townshend intended when he wrote those lyrics but that's what I'm taking from them. I'll print those lyrics below but the entire song is amazing and I get chills every time I hear the intro. Check out the song here.

Sally, take my hand
We'll travel south 'cross land
Put out the fire
And don't look past my shoulder.

The exodus is here
The happy ones are near
Let's get together

Before we get much older.

Confessions of a former telemarketer, Education, and Marriage

It's been quite a long time since I've written one of these. It's not easy to keep up with one of these as I can attest to from experience. Originally I had started this blog to write about my experiences travelling abroad during the fall semester of 2006. That's been almost 4 years ago and I haven't written too much since then. I can't say that this is me turning over a new leaf because I just happened to have the drive to write something today. I don't know if this is going to be a regular occurrence but I suppose I'll make an effort.

One of the main reasons I'm writing this is because there have been a lot of changes in my life as of late, mostly good ones. I've switched jobs a few times and now live in Oxford, Ohio for the time being. I'm going back to school to get into the information technology field as it's something I've always been interested in for as long as I can remember. Also I now have a lovely wife as of June 19th, Olivia Mote. More on all of these tonight at 6!

No but really, things have been up and down for a while. Ever since I graduated I was doing jobs that I didn't really care for. Most recently I basically worked as a telemarketer. Talk about walking in someone else's shoes. That was quite the experience. I was talking to people who already had Discover cards about adding Discover's identity theft protection coverage. Having done that I can say that it's a very good idea for people to have identity theft protection. The facts we were given to talk to people about identity theft were of course mostly used as scare tactics but they were facts nonetheless. Millions of people are affected by identity theft every day and it takes a lot to get yourself out of a mess like that. Not all companies are fair and forthcoming about what their coverage actually entails so you really have to do your research in order to get the best product. With that being said I think identity theft protection is something you have to make a decision about yourself. I can understand people not wanting to get it. They think that it won't happen to them and thus they don't need to pay the money for the service. That's probably true for most people, but the way I look at it car insurance is the same way. You never know if something is going to happen to your vehicle so most people get it covered just in case. It can't hurt. Anyway, like I said I think people should be able to make an informed decision about what kind of coverage they do or don't want and over the phone is not a good medium for that. As a reformed (haha) telemarketer, I can tell you that probably 75% of the people who call you don't want to be calling you. They have to. Likewise the people who are pushy on the phone probably aren't really pushy people; most companies have sales quotas you have to meet and when you're not meeting those numbers you are forced to try other measures. It's not a good business to be in if you are empathetic whatsoever. I'm glad that chapter in my life was as short as it was.

As I said earlier I'm now going back to school for some sort of degree(s) in the IT field. As my family and friends can attest, from a very early age I've been fascinated by technology. We got our first computer when i was in fourth grade, I believe, and I've been on one ever since. I'm always reading about new technology in my free time and I'm always eager to use the newest gizmos and gadgets when I have the finances for them. The degree I'm going for right now is a certificate in PC Support and Administration at Ivy Tech in Richmond, Indiana. Olivia (more on her later) is getting a master's degree in comparative religions focusing on Islam a Miami University here in Oxford. She's already got one year behind her so she'll be done next summer. I just started my degree this summer and so unfortunately I won't have time to complete an associate's degree. So right now I'm doing this certificate, maybe adding another since I'll probably have time for that. Then when we go to wherever Olivia will get further schooling (possibly a Ph.D in Islam, more likely a Ph.D in political science or a law degree), I will enroll either at the same school or somewhere close and get a bachelor's degree in computer science, with my Ivy Tech credits hopefully transferring. When I'm done I hope to work in an IT department either for a business or for a school.

The last (not in importance, though) big thing has been getting married to my best friend of 7 years. Olivia and I got married on June 19th at the Horizon Convention Center in Muncie, Indiana. It really was amazing, having many of my closest family and friends all together to witness the special occasion. I'm so lucky to have Olivia and I'm really looking forward to going through life with her. I think she feels the same way but I can't be sure because a week after we got married she fled the country to go to Beirut, Lebanon to take an intensive 6-week course in Arabic for the rest of the summer. At least that's what she told me she was doing. She most likely is doing some solo globe-trotting with the educational cover-story. She gets to do that while I'm here at home being slowly eaten to death by Ruby, the now 7-month old Yorkshire Terrier/Shih-Tzu mix Olivia got in January. I feel as though I've been tricked.........

So that's the update for now. Like I said, lots of new and exciting things. Stay-tuned for more possible updates, possibly even in the near future! It's possible! (This message brought to you by the abstract idea possible).

When I grow up, I want to be...........

There's an interesting phenomenon that I've just recently thought about. Ask a kid, any kid, under the age of 10, what they want to be when they grow up and they'll have an immediate answer. Fireman, policeman, rock star, president, professional athlete, astronaut, even exotic animals. It runs the whole gamut, from mundane to outlandish, but the thing is, they know exactly what they want to be. It may change from year to year, but these kids know what they want to be. Then growing up happens. You find out that it's not practical to be an astronaut, very few people become rock stars, and they're not just handing out superpowers at the local supermarket (if that isn't a misnomer, I don't know what is). You found out, probably as a teenager, that you have to grow up and be logical. I started out thinking I was logical. I loved history and I loved adventure, so why not become Indiana Jones? Of course, going into college I knew that I was not going to become a fedora-wearing whip-carrying archaeologist such as the movies depict, but I still thought I was being smart and playing to my interests to do something I would love. Then I think the tediousness and mostly little findings that go along with actual digging turned me off. I still loved history and learning about ancient cultures, but digging them up and piecing them together didn't appeal to me. So I went straight to the (written) source and decided to learn about the cultures through their texts. (We're not going to get into the history vs. archaeology debate, suffice it to say I think they're both very important). I learned Greek and Latin and loved it. But now I've graduated college, and what exactly am I supposed to do with my degrees? as evidenced earlier, I don't want to dig for a living. I also know that the market for classical studies professors is limited. This leaves me in a bit of a bind, because I'd like to figure out what I want to do for the rest of my life. I did something that I was very interested in during my college years but now there are few practical applications for my degrees. So what do I do? I think I'd like to teach something, but what can I get into that will be not only fulfilling but also carry with it long-term job security? I'm trying to find out the answers to these questions and am not coming up with much. Life has been pretty well in a logical and well-formed order for the first 22 years of my life, and now I'm not sure where to go from here. I've got big decisions to make about my career future, and it only gets more difficult as time passes. In the meantime, I'll keep thinking. Maybe I'll get lucky and be exposed to radiation and become a full-time crime fighter. Or maybe not. Yeah I'll go with the probably not.

Does Anyone Read These?

I'm not very good about keeping up with blog posts and I wondered if anyone even read them anymore when I do post them. Let me know if you do. Seems kinda pointless otherwise.

What To Do About The State Of The World

So I'm trying to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life. This is a tough decision. Well actually a series of decisions. First of all I need to figure out what I'm doing after this summer. Sometime in August I hope to have a job and a place of my own, preferably in Indianapolis. I'd like to be out on my own, I miss the semi-autonomy of college life. The thing is, with crappy dial-up internet here at home I can only do so much job and apartment hunting when I sit and wait for 10 minutes for each page to load. That may be the epitome of frustration. I've recently discovered that Monster.com is a useful site, and so I will more fully utilize it when I get the opportunity. Then comes the even bigger question: what am I going to do with the rest of my life?
This is a question that has haunted me for the entirety of the summer. My undergraduate degrees were in classics and archaeology, neither of which are practical or conducive to living in anything better than a cardboard box. So the question becomes, what do I want to do if I don't want to do those things? I got interested in classics to begin with mainly because of Greek and Latin. I'm fascinated by languages. The cultures intrigue me as well, but the languages are my primary interest. All throughout high school I took Spanish and was pretty good at it according to my grades and comments from the teacher. That was the start of my love of languages. Most recently I started to learn German by taking entry-level classes my senior year but that attempt was marred by a high level of apathy known to most physicians as "senioritis", meaning literary the inflammation of the senior. Of course this disease has many symptoms such as skipping class, not doing homework, and just not caring. This very disease is to blame for my average performance in my endeavor to learn German. And even though it was hard to care about it, I was still interested in learning the basics of the language. All these examples make me wonder if maybe I should go into linguistics in grad school. I don't know what I would do with it, but it is a subject I really enjoy so maybe that's a start.
Another field I've been contemplating is history. I would want to deal with Greek and Roman history, which may very well still fall under the large umbrella of classics still. So maybe that does me no good, because one of the reasons that I want to get out of the classics field is because there isn't much of a job market in that, or so I've been told. I just want to find something that is interesting and that I enjoy doing, but can also make me money. Otherwise I'm just pursuing a hobby until a go too far and find out that I've gotten a degree and can't reallly do anything with it.
You might be wondering what the title of this blog has to do with anything. After all, I've really only been talking about my world, not the world at large. But I'm getting to that. Everyday I've been realizing more and more that the world is in a sorry state and needs help. Looking at the news even casually you see reports in any given country of political unrest, civil wars, famines, floods, earthquakes, illiteracy, poverty, rape, murder, genocide, and the list of humanity's struggles and evils could go on. Looking at all those things I want to do something, but I don't even know where to start. I wish that I could do something to right all of the wrongs in the world; however I realize that I am only one man with definite limitations. I can't single-handedly provide food for all of the hungry; I can't stop wars and spread peace on my own; I can't abolish poverty, nor can I erase the loss that comes with a natural disaster; again, I am only one man. But I want to do something, anything that I can to help anyone who is in need. I'm trying to discover just what I can do for humanity in my own way. When I look at how little some people have and what kinds of injustices many people have to live with, my own personal struggles seem to lessen in comparison, and I get a somber reminder that I have it better than most. And as Uncle Ben once told Peter Parker: "With great power comes great responsibilty." Which is why I want to do my part to help humanity. I just have to figure out what I can do and how I can help. That is my dilemma.